The Same Old Waiter's Rant

With all the books, blogs, and tweets about how difficult it is to deal with the general public, I am surprised people still need to be reminded to not be assholes to the workers that handle your food. The things I hear working in a restaurant are just astonishing. I do not know why it is necessary to remind people to act like a normal human when they are out in public, but apparently it needs to be said.

Here are a few rules to eating out.

1.      I do not care how old you are, bring your fucking ID. I am sick of having to kick you out because you are an asshole that goes into public without an ID. Honestly, who does that? How does that ever sound like a good idea? What if something happened to you while you were out? Not carrying your ID makes it really difficult to ID your body. So, in case of death, carry your ID.

2.      If you were dumb enough to leave your ID at home, do not get pissed at me for telling you that you need it to be in bar. It is not my fault you left your ID at home, that is yours. Figure out your life, dude.

3.      If your friend or family member was kicked out for not having an ID, don’t tell me you changed your mind on food, that you lost your appetite. You are not Ghandi up in this bitch. If you really have that much issue with the law, do something more productive, like writing your local politicians.

4.     Trying to bring your young children or anyone under the age of 21 into a bar is illegal. I understand your newborn is not going to be drinking, but your newborn is not 21 years old.

5.    Don’t be cheap. That means don’t get pissed because you cannot use your discount card on a holiday. And if you had read the back of your card or the agreement you signed, you would know your stupid card is not accepted on any holiday. Asshole. It also means don’t ask me how much things cost. If you want it, just order it. I am not a walking rolodex of prices. And if you and your friends need to split an eight dollar tab three ways, I think you should reassess your friendships.

6.      Don’t ask me if I am new. That is just rude. I do not go to your work and ask you if you are new. I don’t ask you if you are new to drinking when you order a blackberry mojito or a white peach sangria. I don’t ask if you are new to the country when you do not have your ID on you. So, if you could throw the same courtesy at me that would be great.

7.      Don’t hit on me. I know you think I am interested because I am being really nice and funny and smiling at you a lot, but that is my job. I don’t read into how well your file papers at you job, don’t try reading into mine. I don’t want your number, I do not want to give you mine, and I do not want to go out on a date with you. What I want is for you to order your drink, shut up, and give me a really nice tip. That is all.

8.      Don’t snap for me. I will ignore you. If you do this, you are obviously a fucking asshole. Dick.

9.      Don’t tell me you are in a hurry and then sit in my section for three hours. In fact, unless you are ordering copious amounts of food and alcohol and tipping me really well, I never want you to sit in my section for three hours. When you loiter, you are costing me money. There are other people that could be using that table. Go to Starbucks.

10.   When you are ordering your food, I do not need your life story. I don’t care if you are “being bad” by ordering the chocolate cake, just get the fucking cake and shut up. And don’t say you are “being bad” by ordering Iced Tea. That doesn’t even make sense. Ordering shots of 151 is bad; drinking Iced Tea is just…well, drinking Iced Tea. If you need to tell me about a food allergy, that is fine, but I don’t want to hear about when you developed this allergy and how hard everything is because of this allergy and I don’t want to hear about this “one time at this other restaurant”. I just simply do not give a fuck. You are a money symbol to me. That is all. Shut up and let me do my job.

11.   I feel like most of you reading this have already forgotten the rules, so please start back at the beginning.

Just remember to be nice to the person handling your food. While I have never personally done anything to taint the food I serve, I cannot say as much for people I have worked with.