Day 06: Something I hope I never have to do in life.
Some people are meant to be parents. I do not think most people that are parents should have made the decision to procreate, but some people were put on this Earth for the purpose of bringing others into it. I know people that are meant to have kids. Their goal in life is simply to bring life to this planet. I cannot wait to see these few friends of mine have children and I look forward to seeing those children become well-adjusted adults. However, having kids sounds like the worst idea in the world, to me.
First off, I hate kids. Yes, that includes babies. Yes, that includes your kids. No, I do not think your kid is cute. And your pregnancy is fucking gross. It just is, I am sorry. Secondly, I am one of the most selfish people I know. Having kids of my own is one of the worst ideas ever. Seriously, bad idea. Lastly, I am vain. Not a little vain, but legitimately vain. If I could stare at myself for hours, I probably would. But being pregnant would put a serious dent in the amount of time I am able to bask in my own vanity.
Some girls are able to have kids and keep their body like it never happened. I work with one of those girls, honestly, I want to punch her in the face…but just a little bit and only because I am so jealous of her six-pack abs. If she were not one of the nicest girls I have ever met, I would hate her for being such a gorgeous bitch. But, I am not one of the girls lucky enough to have a body that would bounce back. I know this. I know that if I had kids, I would be ruined forever. A person as vain as I am cannot have a body that will always be…blah.
Also, I am an asshole. Like a really big asshole. If you have never been to yourkidsartsucks.com, go there. If I had kids, I would submit all of their shitty colorings to that site. But, I think what makes it worse, is that I am not sure I would be able to put on that fake smile all parents get when their kid draws them a picture of a cat that looks like a dick. I could not tell my child how great their dick-cat is, I would probably suppress a laugh, get out my phone, lie to my child by telling them I am taking a picture to show my coworkers, upload that horrible drawing to the Internet. No kid needs that.
I really like money. I like having money, I like spending money. Having kids would limit the amount of money I have because I would be spending all of it, but instead of spending it on a great pair of shoes and happy hour with my lady friends, I would be spending my money on art supplies so my child can draw me more dick-cats.
Having kids means you are forced to be around more than just your child. From what I can tell, parents always want to set up play dates. And eventually kids will go to school and make friends. They will want their annoying snot nosed friends to spend the night, stay over for dinner, come with us to the state fair. If I can barely stand my own hypothetical child, how am I going to have enough patience for the friends?!
Then they are in middle school. When I was in middle school I was the worst kid ever. Okay, that is not true. I was actually a pretty good kid. I never did drugs, drank, snuck out, I wasn’t too involved with boys; I was a fairly good kid. But, most middle schoolers? Gah, they are the worst. They are evil little humans at that age. I would probably do something like that woman who drowned her kids in a lake by trapping them in her car. I know the way karma works, and I know that one day my child would take it too far and I would snap. Then, I would go to jail. Spending time in jail is another thing I hope I never do.
Some people are meant to be parents. I do not think most people that are parents should have made the decision to procreate, but some people were put on this Earth for the purpose of bringing others into it. I know people that are meant to have kids. Their goal in life is simply to bring life to this planet. I cannot wait to see these few friends of mine have children and I look forward to seeing those children become well-adjusted adults. However, having kids sounds like the worst idea in the world, to me.
First off, I hate kids. Yes, that includes babies. Yes, that includes your kids. No, I do not think your kid is cute. And your pregnancy is fucking gross. It just is, I am sorry. Secondly, I am one of the most selfish people I know. Having kids of my own is one of the worst ideas ever. Seriously, bad idea. Lastly, I am vain. Not a little vain, but legitimately vain. If I could stare at myself for hours, I probably would. But being pregnant would put a serious dent in the amount of time I am able to bask in my own vanity.
Some girls are able to have kids and keep their body like it never happened. I work with one of those girls, honestly, I want to punch her in the face…but just a little bit and only because I am so jealous of her six-pack abs. If she were not one of the nicest girls I have ever met, I would hate her for being such a gorgeous bitch. But, I am not one of the girls lucky enough to have a body that would bounce back. I know this. I know that if I had kids, I would be ruined forever. A person as vain as I am cannot have a body that will always be…blah.
Also, I am an asshole. Like a really big asshole. If you have never been to yourkidsartsucks.com, go there. If I had kids, I would submit all of their shitty colorings to that site. But, I think what makes it worse, is that I am not sure I would be able to put on that fake smile all parents get when their kid draws them a picture of a cat that looks like a dick. I could not tell my child how great their dick-cat is, I would probably suppress a laugh, get out my phone, lie to my child by telling them I am taking a picture to show my coworkers, upload that horrible drawing to the Internet. No kid needs that.
I really like money. I like having money, I like spending money. Having kids would limit the amount of money I have because I would be spending all of it, but instead of spending it on a great pair of shoes and happy hour with my lady friends, I would be spending my money on art supplies so my child can draw me more dick-cats.
Having kids means you are forced to be around more than just your child. From what I can tell, parents always want to set up play dates. And eventually kids will go to school and make friends. They will want their annoying snot nosed friends to spend the night, stay over for dinner, come with us to the state fair. If I can barely stand my own hypothetical child, how am I going to have enough patience for the friends?!
Then they are in middle school. When I was in middle school I was the worst kid ever. Okay, that is not true. I was actually a pretty good kid. I never did drugs, drank, snuck out, I wasn’t too involved with boys; I was a fairly good kid. But, most middle schoolers? Gah, they are the worst. They are evil little humans at that age. I would probably do something like that woman who drowned her kids in a lake by trapping them in her car. I know the way karma works, and I know that one day my child would take it too far and I would snap. Then, I would go to jail. Spending time in jail is another thing I hope I never do.
Assuming my hypothetical child lives through middle school,
I would have to put up with them in high school. Homecoming, prom, midterms,
finals, college applications, drivers ed, dates, 16 and pregnant. Lions and
tiger and bears, OH MY! I know what I put my mom through during dress shopping
for Homecoming and Prom, I hope I am never on the opposite end of that. And I
am not sure if I mentioned it before, but I am a big fan of money and providing
for all of these things would cost me a lot of money. Not worth the mental
anguish or dent in my pocket book.
With kids is seems that every time a parent should be done supporting them, there is more stuff to pay for. It starts small, diapers and formula. Sure, those things are expensive but that time is short. Then it is crayons and water parks. Eventually it is the latest pair of jeans and cell phone. Then it is car and college. You might think it is over after the wedding, but then they are buying a home and you are helping with the house warming and then your kids have kids. The cycle continues!
Children are basically hell.
I hope I never have kids. I hope I never lose my distaste for kids. I hate kids.
With kids is seems that every time a parent should be done supporting them, there is more stuff to pay for. It starts small, diapers and formula. Sure, those things are expensive but that time is short. Then it is crayons and water parks. Eventually it is the latest pair of jeans and cell phone. Then it is car and college. You might think it is over after the wedding, but then they are buying a home and you are helping with the house warming and then your kids have kids. The cycle continues!
Children are basically hell.
I hope I never have kids. I hope I never lose my distaste for kids. I hate kids.
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