Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Not really a blog...
What is it about growing older that makes us less likely to express our frustration with those people we see on a regular basis? Toddlers are more than willing to let everyone around become aware of their discomfort, whether they hurt themselves or simply do not like something another child is doing. We are told from a young age to be nice to others but it is also engrained from a young age to tell someone if we do not like something they are doing regardless of if that something is touching us, calling us a name, asking too many questions, not being helpful enough, whatever. At some point talking about what bothers us changes. It turns from telling the person we might have an issue with to talking to everyone except the person we have an issue with. These conversations are rarely out in the open, instead they are in hushed voices, in that hidden corner of work, behind closed doors, but never, never out in the open and to the person.
Full-Time students spend a huge chunk of their life at school, full-time employees spend a majority of their life at work, and usually roommates spend enough time together that any issues within these areas of our lives, logically, should be addressed. It would make sense to tell a coworker that you are tired of answering her phone, fixing his grammatical errors, booking her events, running his food, facing her product, et cetera. In school it would make sense to tell a classmate you are tired of taking his notes, doing her homework, picking up his slack in the group, maybe tired of trying to hear the teacher over her recounts of shopping and drinking mayhem over the weekend. At home it would make sense to tell your roommate you are tired of doing her dishes, washing his clothes, buying food so she can eat it. Yet, time after time I see adults not address these issues and instead let them fester.
Obviously, the annoyances from these problems can only be swallowed for so long until they come spilling out in a snappy, unnecessary comment, a brash insult, a crazy tirade, or possibly some combination of these things. And I am not saying I am innocent to this behavior, Lord (and my 7th grade science class that witnessed my Britney-esque mental breakdown) can attest to that. But I can say that when asked directly what my issues are I am willing to discuss them. I cannot say that I am always politically or socially correct when bringing them to light, but I can say that I try and I can say that I least I am willing to voice them when prompted. However, I cannot say that for others.
Maybe our willingness to voice our issues is like a bell curve. When we are very young we are very open about the things that annoy us, make us uncomfortable, or dislike and I notice the same to be true of the elderly. I have rarely met an old person that is quiet about the things they disagree with or dislike. Yet somewhere between our toddler years and our Social Security Medicare years, we seem unwilling to clearly, simply, and plainly discuss what bothers us with the people it seems most valuable, even if confronted by said person.
Why is that?!
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I think that while you address in honesty the fact that you are possibly not PC in your said delivery of certain issues and grievances, I think that most are in fear of being judged. Granted some may simply not voice concerns based upon the issues merit, i.e., "I'm just going to let this go." However, I'll reference the fact that it was your embracing the non PC in dialogue that allowed me to change my views on a certain hot button topic. It wasn't because you towed the line, it was because you...listened. I think this oddly connects, and I'm using this outlet to shamelessly plug someone speaking directly to this opening of the conversation: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/richarddahlstrom/2012/10/09/sex-shame-and-the-gospel/
ReplyDeleteJT, while I may not always be PC, I am always willing to hear someone out and listen.
DeleteI look forward to this link.
I think people (and organisms in general) avoid discomfort as a rule. It's a survival instinct and while we are supposedly more evolved than mere survival now I think many of these instincts and feelings are transformed into the social world. As young we cannot provide for ourselves so we must let others know when we are in discomfort. As an elderly person, we probably just don't care anymore since we are facing bigger and more final questions. In the middle, we are fully absorbed into society and these instincts come out in odd ways according to our personality. I don't think its fair to say that all people are afraid to communicate their issues with their peers. Granted, I know a lot of people like this but I know at least as many who are mature individuals, not afraid of open honest communication.
ReplyDeleteI think you generalize based on your experience.
I can only speak for myself and my experiencing, but let me start by saying yes, you are probably correct that in my blog about my experiences, I probably generalize based on my experience.
DeleteAt least for me, working with someone I have a repeating issue with day in and day out while not addressing that issue in an attempt to resolve it is more uncomfortable than the quick conversation involved to hopefully fix said problem.
But, you do bring up a good point about toddlers. It would make sense for them to voice their issues when they have no other choice. And obviously the elderly just don't care anymore, which I appreciate.
Also, these people you know that are willing to have open honest communication, are they your friends? Because this post is not about people I am close with, parse, rather people I work with or people I am forced into a situation with. Most of my friends are willing to have adult dialog, but a lot (not all) of the people I am around in other aspects of my life seem to be completely unwilling, to the point of unhealthy and uncomfortable relationships.
I think in my attempt at vagueness and not calling anyone out by name, I am just rambling incoherently. I am sorry if that is the case.
I appreciate your experience but it is important to realize that things are not always (even rarely!) as they seem. This perception of people being generally passive aggressive is probably going to depend a lot on who you choose to surround yourself with. This could include your home environment, work and social group. From your article I can only guess that you work within retail or some similar hospitality industry and I can tell you right off the bat, this will deform your perception of people. I was a bartender for 8 years before/while going back to school and there was one consistent thing I noticed in my coworkers in all that time. They had all, in some way or another, chosen not to grow up or accept responsibility in their life. There was a disconnect somewhere like they were living in some twilight between a teenager and a young adult. Most, if not all of them were very much as you describe! And no wonder, that industry seems to attract them.
DeletePersonally I work two jobs (project manager/LEO counselor) and write on the side as a hobby. Both of my working environments are full of effective communicators, friends and otherwise. In fact, the passive aggressive type really has no place in either workplace since so much of our work is focused on clear communication and expectations. I would suggest attempting to embody that in your own workplace. You would be surprised how many people respond very well to an earnest attempt to voice concerns. One of the most important things you can realize when trying to have someone listen to your concerns is to actually ask them first and listen to theirs. It is unfortunate but we are wired this way! We listen much better when we feel we are being listened to.
So what you're asking is why don't people break the status quo? My google-fu brings the following quote into focus: in statu quo res erant ante bellum/in the state in which things were before the war
ReplyDeletePeople don't like to fight. When you want to change the way things are, it requires expending energy. People are inherently lazy, and will often wait until a person or the environment forces a change.
Human laziness is simultaneously one of our best and worst traits. It gives us reason to build tools, and also allows destruction of all that we care about.
To reduce your statement, I believe the answer to your question is: "Because we do not want to expend the energy to change."