Got Milk?

There is a serious amount of people being hyper sensitive lately. I am not sure if it is the season or something in the water but, people are being whiney bitches.  Palin and others are complaining about the White House Christmas card, they are complaining about trees not being called Christmas trees, people saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas and they are complaining about not being able to breast feed in the middle of a Target.

For those that are unfamiliar with a Target, it is a store that is like Wal-mart, but caters to people who think they are too good for Wal-mart. They have everything you could ever want and most of it is made in the best country on Earth, China. They have clothes, cookware, bath towels, hardware, electronics, cosmetics, plants, furniture, and groceries. They have everything. The store is covered in red and smells like stale popcorn and White Cherry Slushy. I love it. But lately, Target has been in the news.

It seems that Target has a policy, separate from the law, on breast feeding. The laws state that a woman is allowed to breast feed in any public place; the law even allows women to have their suckled breast exposed. Gross. Target, does not seem to agree with this law and thinks breast feeding should be a private experience between a mother and her infant. Target, being private property, is allowed to have their own store policy about breast feeding. Their policy allows women to breast feed but not out in the open. And that has offended some moms.

Currently there are “Nurse-ins” being set up around the country at Targets to try and coax the company to change their policy on breast feeding. The woman stirring the pot is an upset mother about the treatment she received from Target employees while breast feeding her baby. Multiple employees asked her to stop feeding or to move to a different place so that she was not feeding out in the open. As a breast feeding mom, she was upset and embarrassed and outraged by the treatment she received. So she took her complaints to corporate. When the first person she talked to told her she should have taken her milky boobs into a fitting room she asked to speak with a supervisor. The supervisor said the same thing. Naturally, she went to the media.

This mother was covered while feeding her baby and pointed out the other customers wearing low-cut shirts were exposing more of themselves than she was, but no one had an issue with the girls in tight clothes and low cut shirts, nor did anyone seem to have an issue with the women on advertisements wearing nothing but their skivvies. She even pointed to Europe as the model we should follow.

I wonder if she should rethink any parts of her statement. Let’s us start with her baby being hungry. Hungry babies need to feed, that is totally normal. Wanting a child to have the nutritional value that comes with breast milk is also totally normal and completely understandable. But I do not understand why a mother would not have a bottle of pumped breast milk on them if they are going to be out and running around with their infant. That type of bonding with your baby is not necessary for a public environment.

The issue with advertisements of women in their bra and panties is laughable mainly because there is very little other way to advertise bras or panties. It is not like they have pictures of women fit for The Swim Suit Issue of Sports Illustrated in the hardware department. Those pictures are hanging from the ceiling above the department for undergarments. There are also pictures of men in their man-panties next to boxers and briefs. Relevant advertisements do not seem to have a lot to do with public breast feeding.

I think the biggest kicker of her argument is looking to Europe as a model. Sure, Europe has no problem with public breast feeding, but they also do not have a problem with nudity on their beaches (or some of their streets), nor do they have an issue with prostitution, or drug use, or swearing (cunt, anyone?), or news anchors taking off their clothes for ratings. So, if this woman has an issue with lingerie advertisements in a store I am not sure the European model is the one she should be looking towards.

Not to mention, breast feeding in the middle of the store is awkward. Who has to be asked to do that in a private place, like a dressing room? Isn’t that something kind of personal, like pooping? 

If Santa is wrong, I do not want to be right.

Christmas is quickly approaching and now that I am an adult Christmas has lost some of its appeal. I remember being a child and having a hard time falling asleep because I was so excited to open my presents and I remember trying to stay awake so that I could catch Santa in the act of sneaking down the chimney and wiggling his chubby ass out of the wood burning stove; how would he get the door open from the inside? But, maybe he took the the hole to the chimney we had downstairs, he could easily just walk out of that fireplace. These were time consuming thoughts for a five year old. And I think all five year olds should be forced to ponder these very complex ideas.

Kids should be forced to talk to a red polyester clad fat man wearing a fake beard. Kids should be forced to sit on the creepers lap and they should be threatened with Santa skipping over their house if they do not behave well. This threat should not only happen during winter. This should be considered as valid of a threat in July as it is in December.

Some parents want to be considered trustworthy to their kids. Parents want to be super honest about everything from how babies are made to Santa. I think this is a huge mistake. Kids need to be lied to. Kids need to be told Santa is real and they need to know about the Boogie Man and the Easter Bunny. Realizing that sometimes your parents lie is a crucial part of development. It allows you to realize they are human. When a child becomes old enough they will know that sometimes parents lie in order to protect a child, like not giving the graphic details of child birth; saying a baby magically appeared because a stork dropped it off is much nicer and gentler than saying that eight pound babies giant head ruined mommies vagina forever. Likewise, saying Santa is going to leave a lump of coal is a nicer and easier way of getting kids to behave than threatening to beat them in front of God and everyone, plus there will be a lot less CPS involved. Honest parenting is an oxymoron.

Other parents find Santa to contradict the real meaning of Christmas, you know? Jesus’ birthday! I could get behind this train of thought if Jesus had actually been born in December. However, he was not. We celebrate Christmas at this time of year because somewhere along the line Christian leaders decided it would be nicer to confuse people by moving Christmas. This was their compromise. Instead of killing the Pagans, they decided to rape the Pagans of their holidays. Fair enough, I suppose.  So really, singing Happy Birthday to Jesus on December 25 is equally as ridiculous, confusing, and big of a lie as telling your kids an elderly man travels around the world in a night while breaking and entering in order to leave presents after ransacking milk and cookies. Plus, there is more proof of St. Nicholas than there ever has been of Jesus, mainly because we know for a fact that Saint Nicholas was a real person and therefore where the legend of Santa comes from.

If believing in Santa makes kids better behaved, what is the harm in that? Lying to your kids about Santa is not like lying to them that they were adopted. Nor is it any worse of a lie about their horrible artwork being very very good and worthy of a spot on the fridge. Depriving your kids of Santa Clause and all of the awkward crying that comes along with sitting on his lap and pulling off his beard is plain old bad parenting. Furthermore, parents need to stop acting like they are doing it for their kids. Parents that do not participate in the Santa lie are not doing it because they value honesty, or because they respect their child too much to tell them such a ridiculous lie, or because you are too religious and the idea of Santa seems more Pagan and anti-Christian than recognizing that Santa actually comes from a religious figure and Christmas as we know it as close to Pagan (without actually being Pagan) as one can get. No, that is not why parents do not want to fall in line; these parents that opt out of Santa are lazy. The Santa lie takes some effort, some manipulation, and eventually an awkward conversation when the child realizes Santa does not exist. This conversation might happen because this kid decided to celebrate another Pagan holiday and Trick or Treat at my parents house where my dad tells kids Santa is not real (this has actually happened. He is no longer allowed to open the door or hand out candy), or it might happen because your child eventually grew up and started to realize that a man flying around the world in one night committing felonies at every good girls and boys house is improbable. 

But at the end of the day, the spirit of Saint Nicholas does exist. People carry on his name, people give gifts, they are generous to strangers, and they try harder to be nice and lend a helping hand. As long as we are not talking about a 12 AM Black Friday sale at Wal-Mart, the spirit of Christmas and St. Nick is alive and well. That alone is reason enough to tell your kids that the mall Santas are helpers to the real Santa.