Alert the PETA

Opiate addiction is nothing to joke about and that is why I am not kidding when I say that I plan on getting my parents dog addicted to opiates. If you are seriously concerned about this, I would stop reading now and simply call PETA. On that note, screw PETA. They do a lot worse to dogs than simply getting them addicted to Oxy.

Anyone that has ever met my parent’s dog knows she is more wild beast than she is dog. Marshawn Lynch would be jealous of this dog’s beast mode. Seriously, I think she is part coyote. She is like the dog from Marley and Me. The worst.dog.ever. Evil with a dog face. Her face is really freaking cute though.

She has these great pointy ears and a long pointy snout. Her hair is long and shaggy, but not so long that it starts to curl at the ends. Her tail is bushy and curls up. Her coat is all black and she kind of looks like a wolf. Basically she is the prettiest dog ever. Unfortunately, just like the prettiest of girls, this dog’s personality sucks. This brings me to my desire to get this dog addicted to the form of opium prescribed by doctors.

It is impossible to walk into my parent’s house without the damn dog jumping all of you. This dog isn’t a crappy little lap dog; this is a 70+ pound beast of a dog. She is large and lean and Satan. No matter how much you yell, or ignore, or try to train this dog she just doesn’t give a fuck. Chai does what Chai wants. Therein lays the problem. Dogs are supposed to serve their master. However Chai gives the middle finger to that convention whenever it is possible. One of these days she is going to run into the street and get hit by a car, assuming she doesn’t die (because God has a sick sense of humor) she will hopefully learn her lesson.

My parent’s make excuses for her as if she were a rational human. They tell me that she lost her mom early, she was taken from her siblings, that my dad lets her do whatever she wants, and while all of these things may be true it doesn’t change the fact that this dog is the worst creature I have met.

Really, I am trying to help her and my parents. If I give this dog a Vicodin every day, hopefully she will just chill out and relax. Not jump on me and claw my legs until they bleed. She will be too high to jump on the counter and eat the pork chops mom is thawing for dinner. She won’t have the energy to put a rabbit in her mouth and run off on a walk. Jumping on the sliding back door will be a thing of the past.

Now, I recognize the flaw in this plan is putting this poor dog through withdrawals. But, my parents have plenty of Benadryl on hand to put her to sleep.

Maybe that is the real answer, just putting this dog to sleep. I don’t think Caesar Milan could fix this terrorist, but I am pretty sure a few hundred dollars and some sodium thiopental could. 

I am Patricia Pan, nice to meet you!

I read an article on HuffPost, much like I do every day. However, this article in particle had my wheels turning. It hit a little closer to home than I am used to. I sent a link to my girlfriend and soul mate, asking her what she thought. She told me I am this article, it hit me like a nail on the head. Boom.

Now, I have to say that I don’t fully agree with her and this article is directed at women about 10 years older than me, but knowing I might be heading down this path was not a pleasant thought or realization for me. The piece is called Nine Signs You’re a Female Peter Pan. Later, the author calls these women Princess Pan, or PP. The list goes as followed:

1. You’re the center of your universe

2. You’re cool.

3. You’re uncommitted.

4. You’re over it. By “it” I mean everything.

5. You’re uncompromising

6. You love reality shows

7. You sleep with Peter Pans

8. You live downtown. Or in a loft. Or in Portland.

9. You think you’re immortal.

The author goes on to describe what she means in all of these and the article is quick and funny, it doesn’t point fingers but makes the reader think.

On the surface, I would say that I fit all of these like a glove, but when I look a little deeper I am not sure that I do. Sure, I am the center of my own universe, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about other people that and I don’t inconvenience myself to go out of my way for my friends and coworkers. The people that are close to me mean more to me than anything else in the world, I would do anything for them. So, while I love myself a lot, probably too much, and I am one of the most selfish people I know, at the end of the day I would never leave my friends or family high and dry.

I have never been cool and never will be cool. If I am cool, no one told me. I am not rocking the glasses for fashion instead of function, I don’t own a single plaid item, I have never worn a top knot and my hair is too short to do it now. Being cool would require me to give fucks about other people’s opinions and because I am so selfish I do not.

I am super uncommitted. I think this may have hit the closest to home. I really do like plans, I like knowing that my friends are going to follow through and I like having something in which to look forward. When it comes to being in a relationship, I am not trying to have any of that noise. I just got out of a three year relations and a few months before I met him I was in a two and a half year relationship. It is time for me to be single and explore and have fun. Maybe 27 is a little old to be doing that, but I know what I need. This is not about what society needs or society expects from me, this is about what I need, want, and expect for myself. I don’t want to settle.

Uncompromising. When it comes down to buying the white car or the black car I am not going to compromise. I am getting what I want, deal with it. When it comes to getting into a relationship I am not going to compromise. Taking the next step of moving in, I am not ready and will not compromise. If I haven’t seen my girlfriends in what feels like forever and I want to go out with them, I am not going to compromise. I am going to do what I want, but that does not mean that I don’t think there is a time and a place. I have bills to pay and I have responsibilities. So, if that means working six days a week to make ends meet, I will work six days a week. I have done it before I will do it again. But, because I have bills and responsibilities I cannot always compromise and take the job of my dreams that pays me pennies. I cannot financially make that compromise, realizing that is an unfortunate truth about adulthood. Moving back in with my parents is NOT an option, relying on someone else is NOT an option. So, sometimes that means passing on the amazing job offer or last minute weekend trip. It sucks, but that is compromise.

Loving reality shows? Guilty as sin. Jersey Shore is by far one of my favorite shows of all time. I love it. But, I think I am in the clear with this one. The author says guilty pleasures are fine (and was even on a reality show), it is the people that are on the message boards and talk about these reality stars as if they know them personally. While I wish I were BFF’s with Snooki, I know that I am not. It makes me a little sad every time I look at her Instagram feed, but it is a sadness I know I can bare.

I do not sleep with Peter Pans. Like I said, I just got out of a three year relationship with a great guy who loved me, wanted to settle down with me. He is amazing, but I couldn’t do it. The boyfriend before him was also great, two and a half years of great. Going back even further, was another great guy whom I dated for a year and wanted to put a ring on my finger. Just because I am a commitment phobe does not mean that I am attracted to other commitment phobes. 

Living in downtown Redmond is not like living downtown in any real city. There are a handful of bars within walking distance, three are chains, two are dives. I want to live in downtown Seattle because it is amazing. Sure, part of me wants a loft, but okay, I don’t have an excuse. I am guilty of this one. Not about Portland, fuck that city, but the rest of it.

Immortality is not something I have ever desired. I am not at all afraid of death because it is not like I will know better. I don’t want Botox and I have great skin that will age well. I am not worried about looking old because the women in my family age extremely well. As long as I don’t have kids, I am going to remain pretty. I don’t deny being vain, but immortality is not my goal.

This article hit close to home. Like I said earlier, it was directed towards women about 10 years older than me, cougars that dress and party like they are still 21. Some of these things I am totally guilty of like wanting to live downtown and loving terrible television. But I guess what really bothers me is the assumption that these Princess Pan’s have always been that way, that they are women who never grew up. These women probably had kids and raised those kids well (fingers crossed), and now they are in their late 30’s, early to mid 40’s and living their second childhood. They get to be selfish after taking care of everyone else.

Not everyone is meant it grow up. Some people have a young soul and like my mom always told me “you are only as old as you act and I will never act old, so I will never be my age”. It seems to be working for her. My mom doesn’t go out and party, she shows up to work every day and logs too many extra hours. She has been married to my dad for 38 years, she has never had cosmetic surgery and loves bad television (not reality). But my mom is young at heart and it is something I really respect and admire about her.

It is easy to label these PP as irresponsible women that need to grow up. Maybe they do. But who is to say they cannot walk the line of both worlds. Maybe they don’t want to compromise and be locked down by one guy, maybe they want to live in the city and watch The Bachelor. But, doesn’t mean they don’t show up to work on time and pay their bills. It is possible to be a productive member of society and be true to yourself, even if yourself is what this author calls a Princess Pan. 

You've Got Mail

I am starting to worry about LinkedIn. At first, when we met, things were fine. I rarely ever connected with LinkedIn and LinkedIn mostly left me to my business, always there when I needed but never needy or pushy, the perfect relationship. Lately LinkedIn has started to take a turn. It started off slowly, sending me emails to update my profile, telling my about my contacts updated information, asking me to endorse my friends. However, now LinkedIn is like that overly attached girlfriend, you know the meme I am talking about.

It seems that every day I have a new email from LinkedIn. Michael has endorsed me, John has endorsed me, I should endorse Rob, Ryan has a new job! I get it! Jeeze. When did LinkedIn get so attached?!

The worst part about LinkedIn being such a Stage 5 Clinger is that I don’t know a single person who has ever actually benefitted from their LinkedIn profile. Who seriously gets clients or job offers from LinkedIn? I have yet to meet a single person. Sure, potential employers can stalk me on the Internet if they want, I will gladly give them my LinkedIn profile if they really desire, but I am not sure they will find any information on my page that they couldn’t simply read on my resume. I suppose they could look at who all has endorsed me and what skills they have endorsed, but even then, that means very little. A friend of mine has endorsed me for my skills in the service industry, I get emails about it every.single.day but this person has never worked in the service industry, therefore all he has to go off of is what I tell him and what he sees when he comes into my work, so should his endorsement be taken as seriously as a former manager or someone else working in the industry?

At the end of the day I suppose it doesn’t matter. I highly doubt any of my potential employers are looking at my LinkedIn profile and I highly doubt they care about my service industry endorsements, but damn does LinkedIn care about my endorsements.

Maybe I should be thankful that LinkedIn cares so much. It is kind of nice to know this website wants the best for me and wants to encourage me. LinkedIn is just trying to remind me that my friends also want me succeed. So, while I may not need to get the same reminder every single day, maybe I should look at the bright side of things.

LinkedIn doesn’t want to be forgotten. I can understand that feeling. However, a website having feelings is super creepy. But, I get it. LinkedIn is feeling neglected and maybe a little useless in this relationship. I guess the least I could do is update my profile every once in a while and maybe visit LinkedIn so it knows I have gotten its 300 emails about Michael endorsing my vast array of skills. Or maybe it is time to end this relationship, rip off the Band-Aid and admit that maybe this isn’t a mutually beneficial relationship. I suppose only time will tell if it is meant to last.