My Love of a New City

I constantly see people walking around the city with their headphones. Sometimes I think about bringing my white Sony’s that were gifted to me by a friend, then I sit in the sound of the city and realize that I would never want to tone all of that out. I love walking down the street and hearing the soft pad of my work flats on pavement, the honking of impatient drivers. Few things to me are better than walking down Newbury and listening to the bands outside of storefronts, playing their music as one band’s sound bleeds into the others, at first sounding jumbled, then clear, just to become convoluted again.

Everything about the city is a sensation. Walking by stores where the A/C pushes out more hot air or stores whose A/C is working over-time to try and cool the few patio tables, so a person walking by, for a few steps, is in a cloud of crisp, cool air, before treading back into the sticky heat.

I don’t want to miss the obnoxious catcalls from men who are probably already scoring their first high or drink of the day at 10 AM. Watch the groups of seemingly homeless make bets and dares as one walks into traffic, forcing the delivery truck to slow down.

My music is the sound of breaks squeaking on garbage trucks and jogging across the street as I Jaywalk to avoid being hit by the UPS van and sedans barreling down the road. Listening to the college kids talk about their music theory class or the latest party they went to as they finger their neon green electric guitar. Angry phone conversations by men wearing full suits in the humidity while they storm through groups of tourists. The screeching of the Green Line on the rails at Haymarket Station.

I never thought I could love a city as much as I love Seattle, and maybe I don’t love Boston as much as I love home, but it feels pretty close. 

People say it's better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. I'm starting to wonder if that is true.

I have read studies that show being in love just once makes it easier to fall in love again. But is it really better to lose love than never know love?

I have experienced the type of soul shaking, Earth moving love that women read about in romance novels, see in movies, and hear about it songs. I felt the unexplainable hole fill up. I felt complete and solid for the first time in my life. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with the person who made me feel this way. I thought we were going to get married and grow moderately old together.

Then everything changed.

He left. We both had a part in him walking away, but the fact still remains that he is no longer around to fill the void in my soul. Now, the hole feels bigger than ever and I'm stuck knowing what it's like to have the type of love everyone searches for and to lose it. I know what I'm missing.

So, as I go through my day pretending to be fine and happy, my insides are screaming at me. My brain never shuts up. And I'm angry with myself and with him. I feel deceived by the person I love more than I have ever loved anyone and I feel tricked by my own judgment. How did I not see this coming? How did I not know he was lying?

I think that quip is pleasant in thought, but is completely false in action. If Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were a real thing no amount of money could keep me from obtaining it.

Maybe for some people it is better to have loved and lost, to have tried and failed, to seek other fish in the sea, but I would so much rather not know this pain or loss. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy because this relationship and feeling has ruined it for me. I can never just idly enter into a courtship again. I can no longer casually date and get free dinner, go out on the town.

Yes, part of it is that I'm simply not ready to date, but part of it is that I don't know if I'll ever feel this way again and how can I be comfortable dating someone that I know will never live up to the feelings I had before?

My sister-in-law, being a scientist, brings up the completely rational argument that based on the sheer number of men in the world, I'm likely to fall in love again and I'm likely to experience the same type of love. And, she has a point. There are seven billion people in the world. If three and a half billion of those people are men, it's possible that I have yet to meet my soulmate and that he is still out there. But, do I really want to wade through those billions of people hoping the find something I've already lost?

Maybe I feel this way because I thought I was mostly over the hurt of this relationship, I thought that I was making progress in moving on, getting over it. Then, I saw him. I don’t know if he knows I was at the bar to watch the game, but I know he was there.

I picked that particular bar because I know he doesn’t really like the neighborhood it is in and he always talks trash about that spot, plus, he cares so little about football that I figured he would rather sleep through the NFC Championship game. But, as I walked up to the bar I saw his employee outside smoking, she saw me and ran back in, looking back twice to see if I was following. I saw her take a seat at the bar top and then I saw him. It was like being punched in the stomach. I just froze. I was not expecting to see the man who broke me, but there he was, with his friends, watching a sport I have never seen him care about. Watching football, drinking beer, like nothing happened, he had no idea my world had stopped for a minute.

I did the only thing I could do, I left. I was reminded of why I want to move, now more than ever, away from this city and this state, away from my friends and family. I need to leave because love hurts. Love hurts more than anything I have ever felt. Being single again, I never want to be in another relationship. I never want to risk feeling this way again because I do not think the risk is worth the reward. And I do not think it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. At this point, I would give pretty much anything to never know what it felt like, to have never been in love with him.

Maybe I will look back on this post in a few weeks, or months, or years and think about how silly I am, but for now, I do not see that happening.

I wonder how many cats the shelter will let me adopt at once? 

RE-PETE

I want to start off by saying that I am die hard Seahawks fan. I also want to preface that I am not a fair weather or bandwagon fan. My father took me to my first game in 1989, I was three years old. We sat in the nose-bleed section of the Kingdome and the Seahawks won. I have been a fan ever since. That being said, I am obviously used to disappointment and I cautiously optimistic about our next Super Bowl appearance. I want to be VERY clear when I say that I want nothing more than a re-Pete Super Bowl win.

Okay, now that I have gotten that out of the way, I need to say that I am tired of fans trying to underrate the Patriots. Yes, they cheated [again]. And sure, some of the meme’s are funny. The one of Marshawn Lynch grabbing his junk as he jumps into the end-zone with a caption “Can’t deflate these balls” is probably my favorite. But, people who say “Cheaters never win” or whatever are simply mistaken and refusing to acknowledge history.

The Patriots are an elite team and Tom Brady is one of the best quarterbacks of all time. This is not Super Bowl XLVIII. We are not playing a team who was mediocre after the Elway era, until Peyton Manning joined, bringing them to the Super Bowl. Tom Brady has been to the Super Bowl with the Patriots six times and won three. He has been NFL MVP twice (Elway is the only other quarterback to win the honor more than once) and was unanimously voted MVP in 2010 (the first time in history); he is the only quarterback to have an undefeated regular season since the 16 game regular schedule was introduced.

So, saying cheaters never win is cute, but simply not accurate. It ignores the fact that Brady and Belichick are great and one of the winning most pairs in NFL history. Saying the “Haven’t won anything since being caught cheating” is misleading at best and completely false at worst. They were caught cheating in 2007 and went to the Super Bowl in 2008 and 2012. Sure, they didn’t get more rings or a really pretty trophy, but they obviously won their division both times (one of those times having an undefeated regular season).

I want the Seahawks to win more that I want almost anything, but I don’t want my fellow 12s to get it twisted. This game is not going to be a blowout like last year. This game is not going to be easy. This Super Bowl is going to test us. I am all about trash talk, but not at the sake of ignoring facts. The Patriots, Tom Brady, and Bill Belichick can eat a dick, but no one can say they are not a great team…even though they are big fat cheaters.

TL;DR Go Seahawks, but let’s not forget we are going up against an elite. I want to keep taking out elite teams and quarterbacks, but I am not as confident this go around as I was last year.