Day: 03. Something I need to forgive myself for.
There are plenty of things for which I need to forgive
myself. We all make mistakes. Some of my mistakes have been huge; a lot have
been making a wrong turn while driving (because I still do not know my right
from my left!). But, I think the biggest thing I need to forgive myself for is
where I am at in my life.
My dreams in life have changed, a lot, but they have always been difficult and abstract and something that involved my imagination and being artistic. I have never been good or original enough at drawing and painting to make it more than a hobby. I stopped acting during High School. Singing is a good time, but it only happens during karaoke, because I have absolutely no shame. Writing is the artistic outlet that I think I love most. So, I continue write, but my dreams have still not been fulfilled. No matter how much my dreams have changed, I never imagined at 26 years old I would be so unaccomplished.
At 26 I have not completed anything past my High School degree, and the closest thing to a “real” job I have held was getting screamed at for eight hours a day while working at Comcast. When I started working in restaurants, it was meant to be a means to an end. I was able to work part-time, pay my rent, pay my tuition, I could still afford to go shopping and go out with friends, and I could always cater my work schedule to make school a priority. But five years into the restaurant industry, I am not sure where I went wrong.
I make more money than I have before, but I think I am further behind in life than I ever have been. I never imagined in my wildest dreams, at my age, I would be doing exactly nothing with my life. The worst part about the whole thing is how incredibly easy it would be to fix my situation.
My dreams in life have changed, a lot, but they have always been difficult and abstract and something that involved my imagination and being artistic. I have never been good or original enough at drawing and painting to make it more than a hobby. I stopped acting during High School. Singing is a good time, but it only happens during karaoke, because I have absolutely no shame. Writing is the artistic outlet that I think I love most. So, I continue write, but my dreams have still not been fulfilled. No matter how much my dreams have changed, I never imagined at 26 years old I would be so unaccomplished.
At 26 I have not completed anything past my High School degree, and the closest thing to a “real” job I have held was getting screamed at for eight hours a day while working at Comcast. When I started working in restaurants, it was meant to be a means to an end. I was able to work part-time, pay my rent, pay my tuition, I could still afford to go shopping and go out with friends, and I could always cater my work schedule to make school a priority. But five years into the restaurant industry, I am not sure where I went wrong.
I make more money than I have before, but I think I am further behind in life than I ever have been. I never imagined in my wildest dreams, at my age, I would be doing exactly nothing with my life. The worst part about the whole thing is how incredibly easy it would be to fix my situation.
There is no way for me to go back in time and make different
decisions, I cannot change what has happened to me, I cannot change the
different situations that have landed me where I am. All I can do is worry
about the future and do what I can to get to where I want to be. I know that I
need to forgive myself for being so far behind on my dreams and aspirations,
but I find it hard. Even if I achieved my Associates in the next few months and
went to a real college to get my Bachelors, I would have a nearly impossible
time not feeling behind.
Instead of dwelling on what I have not accomplished, being behind on my dreams, being behind on the abstract goals of success I have set for myself, I need to remember the goals I have set are still within reach. I am not too far behind, I am not too old, I can obtain the life and success I want. Achieving it years after I expected to is okay, I need to remember this and I need to forgive myself for being afraid, being lazy, getting distracted.
Holding a grudge against myself is obviously not working. I need to let go and move forward in life.
Instead of dwelling on what I have not accomplished, being behind on my dreams, being behind on the abstract goals of success I have set for myself, I need to remember the goals I have set are still within reach. I am not too far behind, I am not too old, I can obtain the life and success I want. Achieving it years after I expected to is okay, I need to remember this and I need to forgive myself for being afraid, being lazy, getting distracted.
Holding a grudge against myself is obviously not working. I need to let go and move forward in life.
No comments:
Post a Comment